Never Knew

I'm doubting myself a lot nowadays.
Since graduate I feel like I have lost confidence, control and directions in life, slowly but surely.
I'm doubting my abilities, skills and the path I'm currently taking.

The thoughts that have never crossed my mind now starting to stay.

I know I am not someone that likes to dwell in misery and depression thoughts, in fact I hated it .
I hated how it affect my emotions, mood and the energy around me and making me doubting myself easily.

I understand perfectly this is not the end of the world or any world crisis and there is so much more difficulties to come in this life and that scares me. The uncertainties in life is scaring me.

AM

I hate nights like this which I'm having some deep thoughts and 

the pressure to force myself to sleep because I'm having class the next day,

but instead of sleeping I'm here writing some crappy post that I will instantly regret it in the morning

because I won't understand why I would write something like this either.

I used to think treating people the way you would like people treating you back things would be fine,

I used to think things are meant to be understand no matter how complicated they are, 

and I used to think there is only right and wrong.

But I am so wrong,

because sometimes people are so fucked up and you won't understand why,

because sometimes right might be wrong, and wrong might be right,

and sometimes somethings are not meant to be understand.

And things get fucked up.

Ok, too emotional for me to handle GN.

A refreshment is needed

Much love for the kat woman and the hate for my hair , not just a bad hair day its terrible.

tired and ugly thats why we love each other! Love her for the ugliness and un-glam-ness.

I hurt my knees so bad , and bruises on my legs , 

being a photographer assistant is not easy, they do not realised I'm actually a girl ,

but whatever it is after a few more weeks I'll be free from all this shit, this is just a stepping stone. 

OH new header image which I draw few days ago!

I've  found new interest , I love to get involved in everything I love .

A wake up call

Recently I came across this quote by sky and it actually woke me up from my comfort zone .

"I don't think things over before I do it. I'm not like : maybe if I do this , it'll lead into this? 
its more like:I did this, maybe I shouldn't have done that..."

I'm always afraid , a scary cat or maybe worst a coward, and think too much into things . I think and think and think and it ends up nothing, doing nothing.
I'm always like : Oh if I did this maybe I will fail , or maybe people might not like it or so. Its the what ifs and the maybes that stopped me.
I know a little thinking or consideration before doing things is good, it prevent us to get into trouble , but sometimes too much of it that might stop people for doing great things, because maybe who knows it will end up great after trying.

And that day I randomly asked my dad about his business how he first started and things like that and asked him when he first started his business didn't he think of failure like what if this business fails?and  the money, effort will be gone . His answer is just short and sweet . Nope. 

That's when it really hits me, people who thinks about failure even before they start is a loser.Right, that's why I have to change this attitude of mine, cause I'm not a loser ! I don't want to end up one .

My boss always tell me that when you meet with problem don't just stop there or worst avoid it, just think of a way out , there's always way out .

I don't know why recently I'm always writing this kind of things (like a self note), maybe because I've turned 20 and turned mature? Or maybe I've read more, see more and know more and get inspire by things around me? I don't know, maybe.

Anyway life is short and I have to chase my dreams. I cannot let my attitude chain me down . I have to be brave and positive .

Don't be afraid to try, it isn't scary, nothing is more scary that death , so don't be afraid .Do what you want to do , cause we are young , I am young , take risk and stop the thinking and do it now!

210514

Since I'm on holiday , I'm working as a photographer assistant .
I've been liking photography since the start of college , Or maybe I always thought I love it.
Although i just barely stared my job as a assistant for just few days , I've learn a lot .

After talks and advise from some experience people(my boss's friends), and hands on job, I have a different thought about photography, honestly it's not what I've expected , maybe I always thought it was easy like how anyone else would have thought of .
But no! it's not just a camera, a studio and a few lightnings will do the trick, everything is not just how it seems .

Behind a simple beautiful photo nobody knows how it was taken how the set was setup and every angle of the lights,how the photo editing goes, the perfection of on every each of the photographs, if you are not the photographer or the asssiatant her or himself you will not know how tedious it is.
It's not easy I have to say.

So I was staring to wonder again, was photography just a sudden interest or I do really have passion in it? I don't know . I really don't .

They told me not to be timid, there is nothing to be afraid of , if I ever fail try again, cause I'm still young , they say.
But somehow I think otherwise, now in this fast pace world everything need to be fast.

FAST, if you're slow, you're not going to make it .
EASY, nothing is easy my dad always told me, people have to work for what they want,
learn from experience. Nothing comes easy.
CREATE OPPORTUNITY . If opportunity doesn't come to you , go look for them , create them , be proactive.
BE PREPARE. Great chances raly come to us, maybe only once in a life time , be prepare it will come anytime, when it comes hit it hard!


The successful people nowadays are getting younger by the age , now I am writing this post at the age of 20 , I really want to be successful , be able to inspire people, but most imporatant to earn a living , isn't it why we study so hard , work so hard for?  Just to survive in this realistic and competitive world ?

Maybe just one day I will be a successful photographer, for commercial or maybe fashion, a graphic designer ,an illustrator or a stylist perhaps? Or maybe not. I don't know .

Anyway this post is just a reminder for myself ,to really think about what I want and to plan the future, a wake up call for myself.